I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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