peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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