My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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