We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
