I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
