Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
