so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
