I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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