put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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