Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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