I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Shame - the story of my life.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
