Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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