wrigley field is MILF paradise
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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