Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
