his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
