I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
