Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
