I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
