I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
well you can't waste a boner
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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