I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I love having hate sex.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
