She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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