wanna go halves on a baby?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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