you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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