Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
