If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
