I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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