Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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