you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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