The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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