We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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