Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
