dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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