I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
