I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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