my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize