there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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