I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
