I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
