Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
