I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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