we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
