Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
