i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
