Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
