1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
