Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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