u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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