I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
