one word: firstdatebathroomanal
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
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