you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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