Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
