that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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