Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
