I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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