i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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