he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
