My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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