How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
