My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize