I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
