i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
