I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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