today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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