I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
