My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
