why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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