I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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